Koner Benit

Right kids, this is gonna be a good one. Get over to yellowdogmedia.co.uk for updates.

Good evening. I’ll start fast, as I could go on for a while, I’m not famous, so the title of this post was nothing but some loose, unfitting cliche’ that reflects nothing of my personality in any way, shape or form.

The purpose or this post is more on the subject of being a butt-fuck nobody, despite my best efforts to become a world-wide superstar due to my work on the worlds first domestic scented toilet paper production station.

Now, on to something about my character, that I go about the world pretending to be: as a teenager, most boys still dream of being in a band or a famous footballer, or some massive Playboy, and it’s only towards the back end (being anything after 15), where you realize that you’re biggest achievement in life will be your promotion at Aldi to Head Retail Assistant and starting a family, before the wife leaves for a man that’s well better looking, leaving you to die poor, and alone.

I ditched my childhood dream of becoming a world famous drummer in a world famous band back when I was very young, and I was often called a pessimist, but know everyone’s grown up, was right all along. It also pays to note that I’m pitiful at an academic level, do consistently terrible with the opposite gender and I’m happy to sit and do nothing at all if it means not moving. So what the hell are you on about, Connor?

Well, being as the only things I have an interest in are music and film, and both industries will in now way benefit from my talentless dabbles in either subject, my Aldi dream of Head Retail Assistant are coming more sharply into focus, being as any idiot who takes me on as a filmmaker or shit drummer won’t be able to pay me enough to fund my one man nuclear missile program (that’s a joke, Americans, calm down). Or is that really my aim? Is it possible to do a shit job for no money, just because you enjoy it?

The thing is, for so long I made the mistake of thinking that there was only four film directors, bands, artists, singers and authors in the world. But that’s not true at all, there are bands out there, that no one in the world will ever hear of, who are better than the bands that pack out stadiums on world tours; artists never make any money until after thy have died; there’s directors that no one knows that make better films than Sylvester Stallone … Lots of directors that make better films that Sylvester Stallone.

So this realisation is the reason that I am not revising for physics and instead writing pointless drivel believing that somebody reads this shit. I wouldn’t, honest. You don’t need a bunch of fancy qualifications and a fast car to be happy, or so I am told, so I’ll plod along to no doubt leave the world with as much excitement as I came into it but change at least one life on my way, and this post could cause that.

Or maybe not, but something to think about there.

I’ll look forward to reading the extracts of a cook book that some bell end keeps putting in the comments.

Now you, my only reader has another website to stalk me on, so if you were wondering how shit I am at piano, go to here

Please lower your expectations before clicking the link.

So, we’re not in America, where everyone and their dog is allowed a domain name. I have no job, no CV and no real interest in building a website, nor do I love myself enough to make a proper website dedicated to myself. But seriously, have you seen the prices of these domain names. I bought this and the domain for my pretend film company (yellowdogmedia.co.uk) for 10 quid a year.

I feel I have to justify my reasons for owning connorbennett.com

1) It was free with the other domain
2) No one else can have it. Ever…
3) I may one day actually put something useful here… But maybe not.
4) Owning a domain, for some reason, is generating a strange amount of traffic from dodgy polish websites.

Anyway, Now we’ve cleared that up, I’m going to sort this site out, with nice pictures and things.

BAIIIIIII

No Mr. Bond. I expect you to die… Using a complicated and intricate system of levers, pulleys, chains and lasers, any one of which could malfunction at any moment allowing you to somehow escape this secret, underground facility somewhere in some foreign town and flee to england with evidence to prove to your superiors that I am in fact an evil criminal mastermind and not the wealthy, kind friend of the government that they initially thought I was before they took you off of the case for breaking into my office, so you can return and defeat me at the very end of the film, when all hope seems lost, making your contract reinstated and receiving you a knighthood.

I’m going to leave the room now, trusting that the machine will kill you to the point where I’ve arranged for all of the guards to have an early lunch break and I’m leaving the door unlocked.

Have a nice death, Mr. Bond.

Hello. Again, I start a post with a conversational opener because I don’t really know what I’m going to put down. Just like everything I do in life I’m making it up as I go, which unless you’re working with uranium is a good way to be, and makes this blog much more entertaining that what ever shit ITV puts on at lunchtime on a weekday.

Christmas is just around the corner, which I’m looking forward to about as much as I’m looking forward to the 2012 olympics, in which our already shameful country ballses up massively while the world is watching. For christmas I’ve got a new TV, which is completely HD, which allows me to view the exact same thing for double the cost but with marginally better quality. It also has a freeview tuner, and I don’t have an antenna.

Still, at least I’m up to date with the latest technology, at least for the next few weeks until someone makes something even more overpriced that can display a colour we’ve never seen before or something. Still, at least that means that they’ll be more episodes of the Gadget Show for me to moan about.

For those that don’t know, The Gadget Show is a program in which the hosts say ‘thankfully I had the right tech’ far too often, as they review pointless things like bicycle pumps and solar panel operated pencil sharpeners, in between advertising slots that take 5 minutes each side of them to say what’s coming up before or after, leaving very little time any material actually worth watching to be shown.

Anywho, about advertising and christmas together. Many people, or maybe new-age hipster hippies are moaning about christmas being solely a way for companies to push their products into the faces of anyone with a TV, computer, or a pair of eyes. But imagine a world without companies paying to cut away from Loose Women to force us to buy festive chocolate fingers through a piss poor advert with jingling bells in the background.

Without Christmas I would have never have discovered Festive Chocolate Fingers, and I’d have to watch more daytime TV. So I guess Christmas isn’t that bad after all.

I do the moaning around here, so you can all shut the fuck up.

Christmas is great because Loose Women is undoubtedly not.

If I’m being honest, this post hasn’t really gone anywhere, just a block of monotony in which nothing materialised… Much like the Gadget Show.

In the next post I’ll stop trying to use big words, be sure to comment any grammatical errors you find, so I can find out your name and email address and verbally destroy you.

Until next time, Merry Christmas everyone. I hope that yours is going to be better that mine, mine has sprouts.

Global warming is a very serious issue, which is going to become a massive problem for planet Earth in our lifetimes. The world is getting hotter, and soon we’ll all be under water.
Here’s some things you can do to stop global warming…

1) Shower for no more than 7 seconds in water no warmer than -2 degrees centigrade.

2) As washing machines use up so much energy, throw out dirty clothes and buy new ones

3) Turn on all office fans and air-conditioning, to make everything cooler. Everyone should also aim to own 4 or more refrigerators.

4) Drive for every journey of any length, so buses are stopped, as they produce more pollution that a car.

5) Kill all farting cows as the methane gas they produce is hazardous to the environment.

6) Microwave everything so the heat from ovens doesn’t add to global warming.

7) Kill fat people, as they are slow and polluting the environment

8) Save snow from winter ready for the warm summer.

9) Buy big American cars, as they use more petrol, so we run out faster and then there’s no pollution.

10) Don’t reproduce, so your children don’t add to global warming.

So, stopping global warming is as easy as drowning your kids, as cheap as an american car, and as enjoyable as a cold shower that only lasts 7 seconds.

Together we can beat global warming, about the face… With a large stick.